I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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