When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
