Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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