A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
