We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
