i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
