Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
