i'm signing you up for texting rehab
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize