Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
