Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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