so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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