this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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