so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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