Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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