Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
