my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
