someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
