Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
