so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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