Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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