Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize