I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize