You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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