Four minutes until I can fart!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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