Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
