had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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