my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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