My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
