I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I AM VODKA MAN
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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