I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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