i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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