I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
