She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
