I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
