Your dad touched me again.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
