god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
