The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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