I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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