saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The uberlube is also flammable
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
