I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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