you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
