I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
