Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Randomize
