It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
