Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
