My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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