i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
