Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Of course I have a pirate flag
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
