I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
