bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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