In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
