I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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