I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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