just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize