Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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