my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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