He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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