Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
