I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
