Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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