i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
