I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
